One More Writer

Well, it's taken 1 year and five months, but I think God has finally gotten to me.

I'm wary of these type of posts because I've certainly written them before. What makes this one different, anyway?

I've often thought about the argument people make about God; religion is a crutch, for people who cannot cope with living their own lives or accepting responsibility. But God has given me this life, and I have found, over and over again, that living to my own ends does not fulfill me, or make me a better person. Instead, in the words of dating guru David DeAngelo, living my own way, for short term gains and pleasures, makes me a wuss.

Perhaps I've tried to seek God - in fact, I know I have - but since May of 2004, I have lived a life without dreams or ambition. And I believe living without hope, without a dream, is not what God has in mind for any of us. As it says in Genesis, he directed man to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replinish the earth, and subdue it." I know he didn't have my life in mind, as I sit at a desk in a newsroom, putting in the minimum amount of effort, coasting through until I can move back to Oregon again one day.

I reached a breaking point this weekend. And finally, Sunday I gave up control to God. If he wants me to be a missionary, I'll be there. If he wants me to be in the Marines, I'll be there. If he wants me to be single the rest of my life (gulp!) I'm there. This doesn't mean I put all my deepest longings and desires on the back shelf and forget about them; it means that I put God before anything.

Today, I was filled with joy for the first time in as long as I can remember. I went into the newsroom and worked on 5 different stories - only turned one but made great progress on the others with minimal slacking, unlike my normal lazy self. I went jogging at 2 a.m. and took Jack off the leash, just running next to my dog as we ran on silent streets with bright stars overhead.

This doesn't sound like much, I know. But to me, finding joy again is the best thing that's happened to me since I embarked upon a short-lived quest to get closer to God in January of 2004. At the time, a woman proved to be the distraction that took me away from this passion. It's up to me to ensure that whatever my future and whomever I'm with, God comes first. Because if I'm living for a woman instead of for my creator, everything will go wrong, as it has these last four times.